Since the last post, it’s wading waist deep in mud up to my hips. Slog, slog, slog, each day until arriving exhausted to sundown and early retirement to bed.

I’m a horse saddled with resentment, criticism, and smoldering anger (senior moment: it took me 30 seconds to remember that word ‘smoldering.’) From the time I was twelve, my personality has rested on a bed of banked embers, that flare at the slightest provocation. Today, I destroyed a snake plant that had the temerity to fall out of its pot.

My heart’s desire (for today at least) is living the rest of my days feeling happy and serene. I am one of the lucky ones who found it easy to stop smoking: I just stopped lighting up. Why not be one of the lucky ones who drop the habit of anger the same way: just don’t light up.

PLAYING WITHOUT REASON

Third Time is the Charm…Maybe

2020 is my third attempt to actively incorporate imagination into the third stage of my life. I am not talking about sketching a little sketch from time to time, or writing a six haiku and a bodice ripper.

I am talking about a “sea change” that shifts my perspectives at the deepest level that is possible for me. Falling back on analogy, I am not putting new and shiny objects on my desk: I am changing the desk itself.

From what I have read, and from what I have learned, the first step is changing my thoughts. Most of my thoughts are habits. The same thoughts recur every day at about the same time. If not at the same time, they recur with an action. For instance, the same thoughts always show up when I make coffee. These thoughts irritate me, so I am in a snarky mood at sunrise. For the past few mornings, when the irritating thoughts show up, I immediately start thinking about redecorating my bedroom in shades of lavender. Instant good mood, and for today I am not going to allow myself any reasonable thoughts about a minor situation that displeases me. It’s a day of lavender walls.