Caught myself blaming circumstances for not accomplishing what I want to accomplish. As the old saying goes “point one finger at others, and four are pointing back to yourself.”
I Have Met the Enemy
In the words of Pogo, “I have met the enemy and he is us.” In my case, I have met the enemy and it is me. G.’s needs are not preventing me from anything. The domestic needs of the home are not preventing me from anything. What holds me back is my resistance from plunging both hands into the core of the activity I want to accomplish. I dance around it, and build up to the spirit of doing it (which never happens.) Simply put, it is resistance.
I added words to my novel: not a thousand, but some. I did some cleaning, I framed and tarped my tomatoes. I really waste time and energy with negative thoughts. It’s a far, far better thing to have no thoughts at all.
A persistent cat standing on my chest, insisting on breakfast has me up at six on a Sunday morning. I am happy to feed the cat. Against everything else and anything else, I rebel. I understand and emphathize with the two year olds who scream NO to everything. I am too big to be literally picked up and carried away, or locked away. Others things push me into actions and responses against which I rebel.
One of the “push factors” is the approval of those who are providing me with a roof, hot water, indoor plumbing, and food. Is it survival instinct that moves me to act in opposition to the rebellion of my spirit? Is it my own inbuilt standards?
imagine what would happen if I did absolutely nothing at all for 24 hours; said NO to absolutely everything for 24 hours without being catatonic, in a coma, traumatized, or sedated. Imagine what I would do, or not do if the inbuilt set of standards disappeared completely for 24 hours.
Am I anything at all outside a set of preconditioned habits of thinking, feeling, and activity?
Does it matter? What matters?
Sounds a bit existentional to me, and I was never a fan of Camus or Sartre. That was then, maybe I will be now. ” I post therefore I exist”