Looking for Dis-Identity: Who Knew?
For my generation, young adults were obsessed with searching for their identity. “Who am I, really?” “How do I discover my life’s work?” “What is my passion?” Speaking personally, I struggled with those questions for years, to the point that I identified myself as a person forever looking for identity. It took seven decades before I discovered that “my identity” was not an artifact that would be found outside of me, sort of like a grail lying in the bushes alongside a cow path. I was about to add that had I known what I know now, I could have tossed a dart, and built an identity from the path upon which it landed. However, that thought is for another post on another day.
It may be an unsatisfying identity, but I do have one. At least I have a series of habitual actions and reactions with which I respond to the impingements on my day. The predominant knee jerk responses are my thoughts. Would you believe that that exact same thoughts cross my mind when I brush my teeth? Worse, they are thoughts about events that occurred when I 14! The same damn thoughts popping up for sixty years.
So here I am working to Dis-Identify myself from my so called identity; working to unhook myself from the habitual thoughts, feelings, and actions that respond automatically. The process feels very disorienting; often I feel myself floating free, without the comfort of an anchor. There is a trade-off to the insecurity; space is opening that allows me to make real choices. I am curious to find out what those will be
After listening to a half-hour of Neville Goddard this morning, the following recognition of years wasted by carping negativity, and self-criticism sank me deep into the bedclothes. Somehow, it is not accurate to say “negativity and self-criticism.” I actually thought that unhappiness was the best way to operate in this world. I thought if I were unhappy long enough I would earn happiness. I held a mistaken belief that happiness was earned by racking up sufficient points “doing the right thing.” Of course, the “catch-22” was I couldn’t identify “the right thing” and spent decades vacillating among this, that, and the other.
Such a relief just being happy. There are no strings attached. Happiness is a state of being, independent of circumstance, environment and well-meaning relatives who know all about the best way to live their life. Adding to the all-around fun is the discovery that I can be happy as a singing bird at the same time burning with desire for something I want.
Having listened to a half-hour of Neville Goddard this morning, the years of unconscious negativity and self-criticism sank me into the bedclothes. It’s not accurate to say “negativity and self-criticism.” It was the mistaken belief that I had to earn happiness by “doing the right thing.” Of course, the “catch-22” was I couldn’t identify “the right thing” and spent decades vacillating among this, that, and the other.
I now know I can just be happy. There are no strings attached. Happiness is a state of being, independent of circumstance, environment and well-meaning relatives who know all about the best way to live their life. them at the end of a good start. Adding to the all-around fun is the discovery that I can be happy as a singing bird while burning with desire for something I want.
Exactly 20 minutes to come up with an idea, convert it to comprehensible text then post. What am I imagining this minute?
Therein lies the rub. I have spent too much time doing busy things without taking time to imagine what I want and how I want the day to go. Running around doing stuff without a “framework” ends up with a day filled with dissatisfaction. It takes focused effort to sit down in the quiet and imagine how you want a day to go- even more importantly why I want the day to go that direction.
Three years ago, I was in survival mode. The blazing priority was security. A roof over my head, a bed and a bathroom with a toilet and shower were immediate necessities. Those needs were met some time ago. With the days left to me, I want to build a life for myself that provides satisfaction accompanied by fun along the way. That takes imagination.
It takes imagination to practice imagination. Enough said: I provided myself with enough inner pep talk to make my day worthwhile. The neighbor’s cats are hungry and need to be fed. Imagine them listening for my foot steps and watching the door.