Up close and personal, it’s disheartening to recognize my capacity for smug self-righteousness. In so many ways I have been bemoaning life’s ill usage of me, when the truth is I have misused my life. I have been simply awful so many times, in so many ways. When I take five giant steps back into detachment, I laugh. Viewed with detachment it very funny.
Up close and personal again, I see many gifts were given to me- that I casually wasted. But I don’t have time to squander them with regret. If use them with intent today and tomorrow and the days after that, my remaining days could be rich with satisfaction. Each hour of each day I must choose, then choose again.
This morning I was kicking real tires by lifting the hood of my car, filled with trepidation. Such a relief to find last week’s problem with the overheating engine was non-existent coolant in the radiator. Such carelessness appalls me. Fifty-five years ago, Daddy would have applied a the sharp edge of his tongue to me for such carelessness. Proper care of my aging car is a prime directive.
Onward to today’s reflection. I ran into a quotation by Florence Scoville Shinn. “Never do today what intuition tells you to put off until tomorrow.” This is an interesting answer to the domestic dilemma I created for myself. The Christmas decorations still sit in the sunporch awaiting packing and storage. It drives me crazy every morning. Yet, things always come up that keeps me from that task. Consequently, my thoughts and feelings have been cranky and filled with criticism.
Last night, I just dumped it. Nothing was getting done: anger and upset were motivating me to get job done. In an “Ah-Ha” moment, I realized that feeling happy was a choice. I could be happy as a lark whether or not I ever completed that damned decoration job.
So, I said the old lady’s version of “F— It.” Next, I made a cup of coffee and spend the rest of the evening playing Mexican Train Dominoes with friends. The decorations and boxes are still on the sun porch and I feel carefree-almost. Worries haunt me. If I am not unhappy about the unfinished task cluttering the porch, will it ever get done. If I am not unhappy about what the neighbors will think when they visit, will it ever get done? If it never gets done what will that say about me? If I am not keeping myself in line being unhappy, will my little world go to hell?
After listening to a half-hour of Neville Goddard this morning, the following recognition of years wasted by carping negativity, and self-criticism sank me deep into the bedclothes. Somehow, it is not accurate to say “negativity and self-criticism.” I actually thought that unhappiness was the best way to operate in this world. I thought if I were unhappy long enough I would earn happiness. I held a mistaken belief that happiness was earned by racking up sufficient points “doing the right thing.” Of course, the “catch-22” was I couldn’t identify “the right thing” and spent decades vacillating among this, that, and the other.
Such a relief just being happy. There are no strings attached. Happiness is a state of being, independent of circumstance, environment and well-meaning relatives who know all about the best way to live their life. Adding to the all-around fun is the discovery that I can be happy as a singing bird at the same time burning with desire for something I want.
Having listened to a half-hour of Neville Goddard this morning, the years of unconscious negativity and self-criticism sank me into the bedclothes. It’s not accurate to say “negativity and self-criticism.” It was the mistaken belief that I had to earn happiness by “doing the right thing.” Of course, the “catch-22” was I couldn’t identify “the right thing” and spent decades vacillating among this, that, and the other.
I now know I can just be happy. There are no strings attached. Happiness is a state of being, independent of circumstance, environment and well-meaning relatives who know all about the best way to live their life. them at the end of a good start. Adding to the all-around fun is the discovery that I can be happy as a singing bird while burning with desire for something I want.