Out of the blue, my neighbor’s potential relocation to a new unit across the street ignited a bonfire of anger. The neighbor is very pleasant but not of long acquaintance, and only ranks a four out of ten in terms of my attachment.
Really, I shouldn’t give a damn, but vengeful thoughts were flickering through my head most of yesterday. Of course, the neighbor has nothing to do with it. The situation simply triggered my anger with myself. An awareness of making some really poor choices in my life. In short, I hit a hot spot and it didn’t feel good.
Quite simply; I want to do what my neighbor is doing, and today I can’t do it. I can’t do it next week. In fact, chances are that I can’t do it this month. What I can do right now is start the ball rolling with thoughts about doing it early next year.
There’s a useful option: make lemonade from my sour feelings by thinking that I am glad to have that trigger exposed because it’s now very clear what I want for myself in the upcoming year. I am still feeling a bit vengeful, and I can use that by finishing my novel three days before the November 30 deadline. That would really be satisfying. I REALLY DESIRE FINISHING THAT NOVEL because it is the first thing I finished as the result of some sustained work over time since I churned out literary papers in college. I would enjoy feeling smug for a few minutes. Besides I am dying to know Mary Maud and Marie are going to get written out of Hartford into Belgium.
Don’t I just love those insights that make me laugh out loud because I have been such an ass. I woke up on the verge of creating a day filled with dissatisfaction because most of my morning hours will be consumed with errands and tasks for others.
I will not be able work on my NaNoWriMo project until this afternoon or this evening. I caught myself on the edge of building a wall of resentment with the bricks nattering. That would accomplish the following: making myself miserable with a bad mood; shutting off my ability to see and enjoy the little fun things of the day, possibly adding unhappiness to a person who is doing her best to deal with a current physical condition that frightens her.
By the time I sat down to my computer, I would have put myself in a such a growly and unpleasant state I couldn’t write anyway. What I an ass I can be when I forget that the only person that stands in the way of my accomplishment is myself.
Lying in bed this morning, I heard the best advice given to an ER physician: the best way to assist people is to stay connected to your own energy source and hook other back up to their own energy source. I can use that advice myself; stay connected to what I can to assist to others to hook back up to their energy source. I sure as a hell don’t do that when I continue to focus my attention on their momentary disabilities.
I really love feeling happy! There isn’t much better than just feeling happy. The morning meditation combined with a few minutes of changing to better feeling thoughts really makes a difference. Now I understand what is meant by creating one’s own reality. What it means is deliberately shifting that inner space consisting of thoughts and feelings to one that is happier, more filled with contentment and more satisfying regardless of the temporary exterior situation. The more I practice holding a steady interior space, the more balanced I become. As the interior space changes, it begins to radiate outwardly shifting the exterior elements as well. It is becoming more and more true that universal energy does revolve around me (as it does for everyone).
Yesterday, there was a lot of resistance created through habitual thoughts of resentment and unfairness; however, I was able to identify them as nothing more than a series of old thought and their caravan of old feelings. Could I stop them? No, but as I recognized them. Sometimes recognizing them allowed me to pivot away to more energetic feelings, otherwise I was smart enough to simply take a nap. Their hold diminishes as the practice of pivoting to more positive thoughts increases exponentially.
Feeling bad about missing several days. That disturbs me because I use each page as the compass for navigating a route to satisfaction in my day. Through writing I combine setting an intention for the day with building positive mental setpoint. Today, I must clean up the feelings that G’s issues with her eyes are interfering with my life. Instead of believing that I my desires and goals are taking a back seat, I choose to believe that my focus, my organizational skills, and my capacity for allowing the Universe to work things out has expended.
When push comes to shove I can’t successfully breathe for myself five minutes. My only real control extends to the amount of energy I allow to flow, along with my level of receptivity. My ability to recognize resistance daily becomes sharper and sharper, and I am daily becoming more skilled at shifting the resistance. As I am typing in this moment, I recognize the overwhelming sleepiness is nothing more than habitual resistance.